I've been feeling really shit recently. I've felt overwhelmed by the world around me and the life that I'm currently choosing to live. I feel desperately disappointed by the collective suicide that our species would appear to be committing, furiously outraged by the amount of injustice and suffering that neoliberal corporate capitalism insists on waging on humanity and more particularly appalled and surprisingly shocked by the underhanded draconian and exploitative activities that are being performed by the ConDem government that we are currently being subjected to. The recent distraction of the royal wedding that allowed hundreds of activists to be pre-emptively arrested whilst the bulk of the population were wiping their private parts on the union jack before cumming hard to the fabricated death of someone who potentially had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11 is political pantomime at its purest. It's an utter piss take and people are dying on mass as a result.
I feel sad about society, angry about apathy, outraged by the injustice and pissed off with the personal pressures that I'm also facing. A lot has happened in my life over the last year, a lot of stuff that people who know me know about and a lot of stuff I don't talk about. Broadly speaking, without spilling too many beans, I've been tussling with a significant job loss, an unexpected house move, the loss of the love of my life, massive financial pressures, young peoples problems that I find hard to leave at the office and lots and lots and lots and lots of deadlines for the myriad of projects that I spread myself thinly across. As a result I can't sleep, I feel like the nameless character in Fight Club in more ways than one. I cant sleep, can't stop thinking, can't turn off and so I drink. I drink and eventually I sleep. I don't think I've gone for more than a single day in 2011 without having a drink which is a hard shame to share. There's so much more to this story but there always is. The details of the half empty glass have been spared as has the view from the other side of the room.
A wise man once dropped a bar about how being well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of good health, or something along those lines. Eric Fromm the renowned humanitarian critical social psychologist echoed similar sentiments throughout his career, especially in books such as To Have or To Be and The Sane Society as he explained how consumerism specifically and capitalism more generally cause people to be unhappy. Oliver James more recently in books such as Affluenza and Britain on the Coach as well as numerous other critical psychologists have built upon Fromms foundations illustrating how the highest levels of mental distress exist within the so-called 'advanced' capitalist societies. It makes sense. We live in a world where we're encouraged to buy as much shit as possible, whether it's in our best interests or not, so that a handful of corporations can make unimaginable amounts of profit. We're encouraged to feel shit about ourselves by advertisements so that we buy into the solutions they're promoting. They encourage us to compare ourselves with each other and constantly remind us of the 'things' we don't have. It's not just adverts, it's magazines, soap operas, Hollywood films, politicians, celebrities and the list goes on.
We find ourselves living in a society where some care much more about things than they do people. A world that cares more about fashion than slavery, more about status than the environment, more about fame than friendship. In the last 30 years it's been noticed how in Britain suicide, addiction, gambling, bolemia, anorexia and depression rates have soared. In the last 30 years Britain, thanks to Thatcher significantly and as a result her neo-liberal successors, Blair, Brown, Cameron and Clegg, has become increasingly unequal as a society and his seen the values of material possessions, appearance, fame, status and greed become most prominent. Everything we know as a species about human happiness and well-being run counter to the ideals, values and behaviours promoted by consumerism, neo-liberal corporate capitalism and those trying to make money out of our misery.
According to the critical psychologists such as Fromm, Maslow and anarchist critical psychologist Dennis Fox anarchism is the answer. We benefit from feeling a sense of connection and community combined with a sense of freedom and individual autonomy, we find happiness in creativity and learning as well as being able to do things we find meaningful whilst contributing to our wider society. I personally find this inspiring and exciting as it suggest that in order to find happiness we have to change society for the better, we have to change the world for others in order to find happiness for ourselves. This is the aim. If only everyone had the insight, inclination, energy and ambition to apply themselves towards such ends. If only they knew that it's not the ends that matter but instead the means which reflect them. If only I had a fucking clue what I was doing on this absurd spinning rock in the middle of the desert then maybe I wouldn't have to chat theoretically about what other people choose to do and could instead focus my energies on something more immediate.
With that in mind. I have decided to make a plan. As always I began with the first question, the only question. The question of questions. What are the most important questions? How can I achieve my goals? How can I be happy? What are my priorities?
My goals are...
Complete presentation about the 2000 Bolivian Water Wars
Complete 6000 word essay about Zapatistas
Pay overdue tuition fees
Organise the Acchord Festival with Owain Wilson
Help young people facilitate the Money, Power, Respect Global Youth Action Project
Complete young peoples OCNS for Baby T School
Ruths Birthday
Help my house mates out
Help to set up workers cooperative and promote next Open Space Technology workshop
To be happy...
Reflect and meditate
Spend time with nature
Write lyrics
Tidy up daily
Get organised daily
Eat Healthy
Exercise
Sleep Well
Support and spend time with friends
I then decided to plan my to do list for the week which, in my note book looks like this:
Masters degree, Baby T School, Workers Cooperative, Acchord Festival
Global Education Derby report
Arrange cover for Global Youth Work conference
Film young people for OCNs
Do Baby Js reports
Arrange Co-op meeting
Meet Joe & Ruth
Meet Owain and Jamie
Remind Acchord participants about meetings
Apply for extension
Complete presentation
Attend Acchord meetings
Phone Acchord participants
Money, Power, Respect project, I.D.ENTITY, Tao Jonez, City-Zine, City-Zen
Type up notes for project
Facebook young people
Ask Jam Jam for beats
Ask Rich for beats
Burn Snaps beats to CD for Grant
Ruths present
Prepare to re-record verse
Update blog and reflect
E-mail Nappy Rash about Zine advert
Facebook City-Zen heads about Dr Matt Djing
Contact Zena from Derby Telegraph
E-mail Dan Dappa
Encourage team work and pull away as equal
Attend City-Zen meeting
Health, Well-Being, Finances, House, Friends
Replace Daves wine
Buy food & cook/eat x 3 daily
1 organic beer a night
Put bins out on Wednesday
Collect bag off Briggsy
Pay uni £200
Ruths present
Swim x 3 whilst meditating
Meditate by the river
Tidy daily
Organise daily
Talk to friends and see Blood on boat.
I imagine some may wonder why on earth am I sharing this? There are many reasons. I feel in desperate need of change and felt that by making my life public I shall be able to tap into and access a deeper level of commitment and motivation. By exposing myself I am opening myself up to feedback, thoughts, criticisms and the opinions of others which shall hopefully lead to some form of constructive dialogue and mutual aid. Maybe someone can relate to this, maybe someone can benefit from me sharing this, maybe someone can pull me to one side and say 'Mate, we need to talk'. Either way, why not? I'm fed up of small talk, I'm fed up of knowing people for years but knowing nothing, I'm fed up saying 'yeah mate, not too bad thanks' when deep down I'm screaming something else. As mentioned earlier I have left out many details, thoughts, feelings and varying perspectives. In the dark of the relatively minor problems I've been facing there have been numerous rays of light and there have been countless moments where it's so bright I've been blinded by the kindness and good fortune. It is this light which shall form the content of my next blog entry alongside a reflection on how this week has been. So, what do you think are the most important questions that you should be asking about your life? What are the answers? A wise person once said that everything we need is within us. What do you think?
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